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Dads of Twins: God Love ‘Em

Posted about 1 year ago on Got Crazy Twins

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Seriously. I need a wife.

When our first child was five months old, I determined it was time for me to get out for a few hours. Alone. “Oh Paternal One,” I announced, “Your beautiful babe gets cereal at noon.”

“Uhhhhhh, how do I make that?” he responded.

Now, under normal circumstances (whatever those are) his response might not have been received as the slap that it was. The abnormal circumstance masquerading as a big ol’ elephant hanging loose on the couch was the fact that my beloved had been without a corporate client since the day of our offspring’s birth. There was, therefore, no logical reason for him not to know how to make cereal — other than the fact that he’d never asked and I’d never insisted he learn. So, I suppose, chalk that one up to being my fault.

Nevertheless, I spent those few hours out and about wondering how on earth our child had been eating cereal between one and three times a day for over a month without my husband having nary a clue how to make it. My mission became clear. It was time to formulate a training plan for my man. After all, people, we’re not living in 1964. If I have to take out the trash now and then, you have to change a diaper here and there was my new motto.

Fast forward two years and a 65-pound weight gain on my part. I uttered two things after our twins were successfully delivered: 1) I feel fantastic right now — and so light, and 2) Thank God I got that man on board a year ago.

If I had a penny for each e-mail or oral conversation women have sent to me or begun with me that involves frustration over their partner’s efforts or understanding (read: lack thereof) I would be enjoying the finest salmon sashimi for lunch right now instead of the refried bean burrito I politely asked my other half to make for me.

Instead of getting you wired with frustration (and you’re likely already halfway there having read only this far), let me suggest a few reasons why maybe…I said maybe…we should cut the guys a break. And I suggest that having lived endured three pregnancies, five babies, and umpteen conversations with other moms (and dads) on the topic.

One: The male perspective and approach to life is actually a great thing to have around. (Drop your eyebrows back down now. Your pupils will dry out otherwise.) In fact, there are quite a few lessons moms can learn from men if they are trying to see the better side of things instead of trying to find reasons not to contact an attorney.

Two: The reason most men are a bit removed from the whole parenting gig, at least initially, is because they haven’t a clue what they are doing. And, to be fair, they are terrified of ticking off the lady with the raging hormones. Women were made to mother. Our every instinct is maternal. Even when we don’t know what we’re doing, we know very well how to not know what we’re doing — and do it well.

Men were made to hunt and gather. Think about what’s involved in those activities. It doesn’t relate real well to preparing formula, changing diapers, or eradicating incessant screaming (without an arrow or a bullet anyway).

As if we didn’t have enough to do, the reality is that while mothering our new babies, we also must mother our husbands. We can’t wait for the proverbial cow (or elk, as may be the case) to come home and men to just “get it.” Getting dad involved in a way that makes our lives easier, more fun, and less stressful requires that we work at it a bit. Because, hey, that’s what we do. We’re mothers.

We must encourage them and praise them and make them our 3rd or 4th or 5th child for a time. We can’t expect them to do everything the same way we do things. We have to accept that, occasionally, they may even have an idea that’s better than ours (I mean, we don’t have to truly believe it, we just have to pretend really well in that moment). Once they believe they can do it, once they see that they can be successful without getting a whole can of crap opened in their face (perhaps literally) each time they suggest something, once they see themselves as a person in relationship with the babies beyond the hey-go-get-me-a-burp-cloth-now dude, they’ll automatically engage more. Trust me on that.

Does it work 100% of the time? Of course not. Nothing does. But we don’t need 100%. We need, like, 87%. And I believe achieving 87% with this approach is way doable.

But still. I need a wife.